Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Who Am I?

I want to tell you about a time when my second baby was still small and I was struggling with PPD. I was lying in bed at night. My husband was asleep and I was awake experiencing a strong attack from the dark side. I knew a family growing up that had four people in it, two of which committed suicide. Ever since then I had wondered what could drive a person to do that. What would a person need to feel like before they really could bring themselves to suicide? Well that night, I caught a glimpse of the answer to these questions. Luckily I had a greater desire to live than to die at this moment, though dark forces were beating mightily upon me and I thought I might really do it. I decided I should wake my husband up to ask for help. I told him how I was feeling and thinking and he asked me, "When was the last time you prayed and asked Heavenly Father who you are?" I answered that I did not know. So I got down on my knees and prayed and asked. I poured out my troubles and cried. The answer came softly and gently that I was truly a daughter of God and that I had a Savior who could take away my sins and troubles. I then had a very spiritual experience that greatly strengthened my testimony of the Savior and His love for me.
Does this question matter to you? Who are you? What are you here to do? Today? This minute?
Knowing who we are is a great 1st step to become more of what we were meant to become. Do you know who you are? I can tell you a little bit about who you are, but for you to find out for yourself who you are and what you are here for would be so much more fulfilling to you than hearing it from me. The little bit I can tell you is this. I believe that we are all spirit sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us. I also believe that we are not all that we were meant to be yet. We are becoming that person (hopefully) little by little, day by day. We are continually creating ourselves (which is an exciting thought). When we make God the person we counsel with in how to do this, we become so much more than what we would if we were to leave him out of the picture. 
Well, the morning after this experience happened my husband left me a letter before he took off to school (college days). It was very comforting. In the letter he quoted Heleman 5:12 (see also Matthew 7:24-25) "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
After reading this, I felt a great and motivating desire to make sure that I was building my foundation upon this rock! I wanted to have the Savior as my foundation. I did not want to fall because of these horrible winds, storms, hail, and whirlwinds.
I am sharing this story because I know that I am not the only one who has ever felt like I was feeling. I know that the dark forces attack the mothers of young children in such a way that they think they can't overcome. In fact maybe this is you. Maybe you get attacked and stormed on. I hope you have someone to turn to for help. Maybe you already know that you can turn to your Savior for help. 
I would like to say that I am grateful for all the people out there that help mothers through this spiritual attack. I am grateful that we have mental health services that we can call in times when we are feeling hopeless or helpless. I am grateful for counselors who can help us get through rough times and, yes I am grateful for medication that can tie us over until we can figure out and accept what the real cure is for what we are going through. I am so glad God guides people to help us in these ways. I hope that they do not take the prime opportunity away from us, though, to build our foundation upon the Savior, but rather help us in doing so.
That evening when my husband got home, I told him that I wanted to do all I could do to build my foundation upon the Savior. We decided we would take an institute class together. It's not like I didn't "know" who I was before, and it's not like my foundation was totally sandy, but I wanted to make sure that I did all that I could to strengthen that foundation and to not forget who I am. To treasure up the spiritual experience that I had the night before and build upon it. There is no place in the scriptures where it tells us that when we obey the commandments, the adversary will stop working on us. No, rather it tells us that WHEN the winds and hail and storms come we will be safe and we cannot fall if we have built our foundation upon the Savior. 
You may say, "HOW do I build this foundation?" In the biblical reference it tells, "whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them..." So that's a bit of the how. What comes before this scripture? What are "these sayings of mine"? Read Matthew 5-7 ( and find out. :) God is there to help us in doing the "sayings". If we find one that is especially hard for us, let's ask God for help and have faith that he will help us overcome it. Just a warning though. You will find that this might make you weird or nutty in your own eyes and in others'. If you start to feel this way, just thank the Lord and praise him. It means that you are finding our more of who you really are and putting yourself in his hands rather than putting your trust in the arm of the flesh. And just know that you are not alone! God is with you and there are people like me praying for you all along the way! (Yes, Really!)