Last night I was able to sing in a beautiful concert. One of the pieces we sang was Beethoven's "Hallelujah" from 'Christ on the Mount of Olives'. I learned that he composed this song shortly after he wrote "The Heiligenstadt Testament". (http://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/sunrise/28-78-9/s28n07p244_the-heiligenstadt-testament.htm) Knowing that he had been contemplating suicide shortly before he wrote this, and then after reading this, I felt so much more connected with this song and sang it with all sincerity of heart! I love that he knew God enough to know that God knew his heart and knew that love for man and benevolence abode there in his heart!
This last PPD experience, I had a rare and sad opportunity to see just what misconceptions, skewed perceptions and advanced stages of sleep deprivation, on the part of 3 different parties, can do. Postpartum got to its lowest point. A point that I felt like the whole world was against me (except for my sweet little baby boys). After a meeting with the bishop, I asked my husband to give me a blessing. In the blessing, the Lord told me that when I am feeling like the world would be better without me, pray. And don't stop praying until I feel His comfort. (Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.) Even though I knew who I was, and had a testimony, I was in great need of love and comfort. Refuge. That night I took that first step. Even though it was about midnight and I really wanted to be sleeping, I prayed. I begged for his presence, comfort and help. It took a while, but finally it came. I heard a (literal) still, small voice. It said, "It's a lie. The belief that if you killed yourself, it would make things easier, is a LIE! It will not make things easier. It will only make things harder. As hard as the way seems to go on living right now, it is nothing compared to the hardness of the path of killing yourself ." Wow! This was big for me. Now, someone without PPD might think, "Duh! That's a no-brainer!" But we who have had it and have "been there" know this is BIG! The next day, I started thinking, "What other lies have I been listening to?" This began my journey of recovery. I decided I was going to catch all the lies I could and expose them for what they were! Something you may not have known is that if Satan can't get through to your brain - you choose not to believe the lies he speaks to you - he tells those same lies to family members and tries to get the message across to you that way. Don't believe the negative things others say about you. They are lies too.
Last conference President Monson said that much of the joy that we are to have (2 Nephi 2:25) "comes as we recognize that we can communicate with our Heavenly Father through prayer and that those prayers will be heard and answered—perhaps not how and when we expected they would be answered, but they will be answered and by a Heavenly Father who knows and loves us perfectly and who desires our happiness. Hasn’t He promised us, “Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers”?" (Doctrine and Covenants 112:10)
Have you been tricked into believing lies about you or someone else in your family? How do we avoid being tricked and deceived in the first place? "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (Doctrine and covenants 10:5) Watch ye and pray, lest ye enter into temptation. The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak. (Mark 14:38)
Think of what is true. List all of the good and true things you know about you and the gospel and speak them out loud every day! "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." (Proverbs 23:7)
Here is a link to a performance of the song we sang. It is awesome! I love it!